


Get Lucky

by blakefancier



Series: Young Lovers [37]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-25 23:43:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakefancier/pseuds/blakefancier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve goes clubbing with Tony and the guys and has a couple of heart-to-hearts with Howard when certain things come to light. It's never easy when it comes to their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve's POV

**Author's Note:**

> So I am back on track with the current storyline of Young Lovers. Yay, me!
> 
> FYI, Rhodey's story in "Four Points of Light", "Interlude: Kissing" and this story happen in the same time frame. Keep that in mind.

Steve didn't cut himself very often. He was always afraid that his mom would walk in on him or that Howard would do more than comment on the cuts. And now that Bucky was visiting, he had even less time alone. So he was lucky to have a few hours to himself. Mom was at work, Bucky was off spending time with a couple of Army buddies, Tony was picking up Rhodey, and Howard was in meetings all day.

He cleaned the razor with alcohol, checking for rust, then stripped naked and stretched out on the bed. He touched himself, gently at first, rubbing his nipples until they pebbled, giving his cock a few lazy strokes, before rolling his balls. It was good. It was really, *really* good. But he needed more today. A lot more. He pinched and tugged and scratched at his nipples, getting them sensitive, then he twisted them, hard. He cried out, thrusting his hips helplessly, cock slapping wetly against his belly. He released them, rubbed them gently, then did it again. He continued the process until his nipples burned and he was ready for more.

Steve pinched and scratched his way down his stomach to his crotch, leaving bloody scratches and bright red marks where bruises would bloom. Then he gave his cock a hard slap. Fuck! He wished it were Howard doing these things to him. Everything was better with Howard.

He grabbed his cock in a punishing grip and jerked himself. He moaned, rocking his hips, and dug his nails into his palm. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't close to being enough to send him over the edge. Steve let out a frustrated cry and released his cock. He took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself, then picked up the razor. 

He slashed at the upper part of his left arm, groaning as the pain and blood sent an explosion of pleasure through him. He turned his head, pressed his open mouth to the cut—the taste of blood flooded his mouth—and he lashed his tongue against it. Each jolt of pain made his toes curl. He grabbed his cock again and stroked it quickly. 

When he reached the point where all he needed was one more push, he bit hard at the flesh around the cut. Pain and pleasure mingled exquisitely as he came.

Steve slumped back on the bed, his body trembling, his breath coming in harsh sobs. God, he wanted Howard. He wanted Howard so bad that his chest ached and his eyes stung. Before he could talk himself out of it, he grabbed his cell and punched in Howard's number. He was surprised when Howard picked up. 

"Hey," he said. "I thought you were in a meeting."

"I am," Howard replied, softly. "We're just coming back from a quick break. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." He pressed his fingers against the cut, trying to staunch the bleeding. "I was just gonna leave a message on your voicemail to remind you that I'm going out with Tony tonight."

"I remembered." Howard was quiet for a few moments. "Are you sure you're alright, babe? You sound… funny."

"I just miss you."

Howard laughed softly. "We saw each other a couple of hours ago. But I miss you, too. Look, babe, I gotta go. Peggy's trying to call me. I'll see you later tonight, okay?"

"Yeah." Steve took a deep breath. "Okay." When Howard hung up, he got to his feet and took out the first aid kit. 

***** 

Steve checked himself in the mirror, tugging down the sleeve of his shirt so it hid the bandage around his arm. He wasn't sure why he was putting so much effort into looking nice; it's not like he was looking for a hookup or anything. Still, it couldn’t hurt to dress up. He flashed a smile at his reflection, then gave a start as his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled out the phone and smiled when he saw who it was.

"Hey, babe," he said. "I wasn't expecting your call." 

"I can't call my boyfriend?" Howard asked.

"I'm going to see you later tonight." He leaned against the wall. "You're usually not so impatient." Howard was quiet on the other end and he frowned. "What's wrong?"

"You'll be careful tonight, won't you? You'll make sure Tony doesn't ditch the bodyguards? You won't get drunk?"

"I won't get drunk and I won't let Tony ditch the guards. I promise." Steve grinned. "Scouts' honor." 

Howard laughed softly. "So what are you wearing?"

He stifled his own laugh and glanced at himself in the mirror again. "Jeans and that dark blue t-shirt you like."

"The silk one that looks like it's a couple of sizes too small?"

"Yeah." Steve ran his hand down his chest and tugged on the hem of the shirt.

"I do like that one." Howard's voice went low and soft. "I like it even better when I can take it off you."

"Mmm. Me, too." Steve popped the button of his jeans and slid down the zipper. "You'll get your chance tonight."

"I don’t know that I can wait that long. Why don't you give me a little taste of what I'm gonna hear tonight?"

"I'm way ahead of you," Steve said, slipping his hand into his jeans and gripping himself. There was a sudden pounding on the door and Steve jumped. 

"What the hell are you doing in there, Rogers?" Bucky yelled. "We're gonna be late!"

Steve bit back a curse and took his hand out of his pants. "Hold on a sec, Bucky!" he yelled back, then said more quietly. "Sorry, but I think it's gonna have to wait." 

Howard sighed. "Yeah, I thought as much. Be really, really careful tonight, Steve. Okay?"

"Okay," he said fondly. "I love you."

"Love you, too. Now go on before Barnes decides to kick down the door." 

*****

There were perks to hanging out with Tony Stark; you never had to wait to get into a club, you never got carded, and you *always* got the VIP room. Steve didn't care; it wasn't exactly his scene. He wasn't a big drinker and, honestly, the loud music gave him a headache. 

Still the others were having a good time. Bucky was making out with a redhead, Rhodey looked like he was ready to jump the girl he was talking to—and she him—and Tony was doing body shots with some twins.

Steve sighed and took a sip of his Coke. Maybe he'd text Howard and see what he was doing. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket when someone sat down next to him on the couch.

"Hey." The guy flashed him a smile. "My name's Ryan. You're Steve, right?"

"I've got a boyfriend," he said, sparing the guy a quick glance; Ryan was cute, if you went for jocks. Which Steve didn't. 

"Then why isn't he here keeping you company?"

Steve fought the urge to roll his eyes. "He's working tonight and I'm not lonely."

"Okay, you're not lonely. You do look bored though. You know what might make you feel better?" Ryan nudged Steve's knee with his own.

"What's that?" Steve looked at him. 

"Dance with me?"

"Not interested," he said but before he could text Howard, Ryan took his cell phone. "Hey!"

"C'mon, Steve. Give me just one dance. One dance and if you're not having fun, I'll leave you alone." Ryan smiled. "What could it hurt?" Steve opened his mouth to tell him to shove it, but then Ryan said, "It'd make your friends happy. Your friend Barnes is the one who sent me over here."

Steve looked over at Bucky, who had stopped sucking face with the redhead and was looking at them. He gave Bucky the bird. Bucky smirked and blew him a kiss. "My friends are all assholes." 

Ryan grabbed Steve by the hand and pulled him to his feet. "One dance."

"Fine," he said, rolling his eyes. "One dance."

***** 

One dance turned into two, which turned into three and the next thing Steve knew he was dancing between two half-naked guys with glittery skin and having the time of his life. The two guys pressed close, and kissed each other, giving Steve an up close and personal view. It also let him feel how excited the guys were; it was hot. It was really, really hot. 

So he was pretty glad when Bucky grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away; he was starting to get embarrassingly hard. "Me and Sandy are heading out," Bucky said into his ear. "She's got a place close by. Don't wait up."

Steve shook his head and smacked Bucky's shoulder. "Be safe and have fun." 

"Always am and always do." Bucky grinned at him. "You should call it a night. Tony looks this close to puking all over the dance floor. And Rhodes isn't much better. Flyboys can't hold their liquor."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Steve looked over at Tony, who was stumbling around the dance floor, and sighed. 

"You need help?"

"Naw, you have fun with Sandy. I'll have the security detail help me get everyone into a the car."

"You going home tonight?" Bucky asked.

Steve shook his head. "Nope. I'll be home by lunch though. We'll do something then."

Bucky frowned but didn't protest. "Yeah, okay. See you then."

He wiped his hands on his jeans, and gestured to one of the guards. The way Tony was flailing around, he was gonna need all the help he could get. 

***** 

Ryan turned out to be a bigger help than the security guys, who seemed offended when Steve asked for their help. They managed to get Rhodey and Tony into the car. Steve was about to climb in when Ryan grabbed his arm. 

"What?" he asked.

"Why don't you come back to my place?" Ryan stepped close.

He smiled and shook his head. "Boyfriend, remember?"

"Right." Ryan leaned in and the next thing Steve knew, they were kissing. 

He gasped softly and Ryan deepened the kiss. For a second, just a second, he kissed back, but then he remembered Howard and turned his head. "No."

Ryan let out a little huff. "Your boyfriend's a lucky guy. If you two ever break up, give me a call. I put my number in your cell phone."

He didn't reply. He just climbed into the car and told the driver to take them home. God, he was so stupid. Why the hell had he kissed back? He scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand and wondered whether or not he should tell Howard.


	2. Howard's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard talks with Obi, freaks out about Tony, and has a heart-to-heart with Steve. And he gets to go to Tokyo on a business trip

Howard leaned back in his chair, rubbed his eyes, and let out a groan. He'd just had a very long, very loud conversation with Tony and now he had a headache. 

"Well that doesn't sound good," Obi said from the doorway. "Is Tony okay? I just heard about what happened at the Expo."

"He's fine." Howard sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Actually, he's pissed at me because I won't let him and his friends go out clubbing tonight." 

Obi chuckled and sprawled out on a chair. "That's Tony for you." 

"Yeah, well, I told Peggy that if he tries to sneak off she has my permission to lock him up in the basement. Though I don't think he will. That friend of his is supposed to have some sense."

"His… You mean Rhodes?"

Howard gave him a blank stare. "I guess."

"Howard." Obi sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You've met the kid several times. As a matter of fact, the last time the two of you were in the same room you insulted him for a half hour."

"I did?" Howard frowned and wracked his brain. "I don't remember." 

"You did. And he was very good about not socking you in the jaw. Rhodes is a good kid, Howard. He kept an eye on Tony when they were at MIT. So be nice."

"I'll be as sweet as apple pie." 

"Oh, I’m sure you will." Obi stretched and propped his feet on the desk; Howard gave him a dirty look. "You should let them go out tonight."

"I should—Are you on something?" Howard blinked at Obi. "He was just—"

"He was just nothing. As far as we know it was just a couple of overzealous paparazzi."

He found himself momentarily speechless. 

"Look, I'm not saying just send him out there on his own. Send a couple of bodyguards out there with him." Obi grinned. "Tell him if he ditches them you'll sic Maria on him." 

Howard snorted. "You don't think it's better to be safe than sorry?"

"I think that if someone wanted to kidnap or otherwise hurt Tony, they had plenty of chances." Obi shrugged. "Put some bodyguards on him and tell Rhodes to keep an eye out. Let the boys have fun. Otherwise, Tony'll go crazy when you're in Tokyo."

Howard froze for a moment; ah. "I'm not going to Tokyo."

"Tanaka will be disappointed. The only reason he agreed to this meeting was because he thought you were going to be there in person."

"I've got too much to do," he said.

"You mean you have *someone* to do." 

He narrowed his eyes and tensed. "Excuse me?"

"I was referring to Steve." Obi set his feel on the ground and sat up.

"I know who you were referring to, Obadiah." He let his voice go cold. "And you need to mind your own goddamn business."

"You haven't been out of the country in almost a year. And Canada doesn't count," Obi said before Howard could offer a counter argument. "I should have realized sooner. You do this every time you're in a relationship."

"Do what every time?" he asked. 

"Get clingy."

"Oh, fuck you!" Howard sat up in his seat, offended. 

Obi stared at him. "Hammer."

Something bitter and shameful twisted in Howard's belly and he looked away. He was quiet for a few minutes; he could practically feel Obi's stare. "Fine. I'll go to Tokyo."

"Good man," Obi said and smiled. 

"Get the fuck out of my office." Obi rose to his feet and headed to the door; Howard stopped him. "Don't ever bring up Hammer again."

"I promise. Never again."

Howard fought the urge to throw something very big and very heavy at him.

*****

"Are you sure four men are enough?" Howard leaned back in his chair and gave Peggy a dubious look. 

Peggy crossed her arms over her chest and stared back at him. "Do I tell you how to do your job, Howard?" He opened his mouth to respond but she cut him off. "No, I don't. So don't tell me how to do mine. You spoke with Tony about his security detail, both Jim and Steve know that they aren't allowed to ditch my men; everything will be fine. My men know what to do."

"I know. I just…" He swallowed hard. "I don't want anything to happen to them."

"Nothing will." She smiled gently. "Honestly, I'm more worried about your trip to Tokyo than I am about the boys."

"Yeah." Howard ran his hand over his head and sighed. "Obi convinced me that I needed to meet with Tanaka."

"Good. I'll talk to our people in Japan and set up a security plan. I'll be going with you, of course."

"Peggy—"

"It's non-negotiable, Howard," she said calmly. 

He fought the urge to roll his eyes. "You know that it's my name on the building, right? That I pay your salary? You do remember that?" 

"Indeed I do. And in order for you to continue to pay salary, you need to be alive and safe. That is why I am going with you to Tokyo." She reached over and touched his arm. "Let me do my job, Howard. You promised that you would let me do my job." 

Howard closed his eyes for a moment and sighed again. "My father never needed this much security." 

"No, he didn't. But that was a different time and he wasn't as high profile as you or Tony." Peggy laughed softly. "You, my dear, are a celebrity." 

"Hooray for me," Howard said. He wanted to protest that he didn't want any of it: the attention, the fucking celebrity, but he couldn't figure out a way of saying it without sounding whiny.

"What did you expect? You're handsome, smart, rich, and the father of Tony Stark. That boy is a force unto himself."

"Don't I know it." It was a pain in his ass, too. "Fine, do what you need to for the Tokyo trip. I'm going to call Steve, so lock the door on your way out."

Peggy rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Cell phone conversations can be intercepted, Howard, so keep it G-rated." 

As if he didn't already know that. As if his own security protocols wouldn’t make sure that didn't happen. "Get out of my office, Carter." Howard grinned "I'm gonna have phone sex with my boyfriend."

***** 

Howard wasn't asleep when Steve sneaked into the bedroom at—Jesus Christ!—three-thirty in the morning. He groaned, rubbed his eyes, and turned on the bedside lamp. 

Steve froze in the midst of taking off his shoes. "Oh, hey, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," he said, and yawned. "I was up." 

"I can tell." Steve pulled off his socks and shoes before walking over to the bed and sitting down. He gently ran his hand through Howard's hair. "You shouldn't have waited up." 

Howard smiled and rubbed Steve's chest through his shirt. "And miss seeing you dressed up like this? No way." Steve laughed, softly; Howard leaned in and kissed him. "Did you have a nice time?"

A look of distress flickered over Steve's face, so fast that Howard almost missed it. "It was okay."

He sat up in alarm. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Steve said in a very unconvincing tone.

"If you won't tell me—"

"I kissed someone!" Steve trembled; he looked like he wanted to cry. "Actually, he kissed me, but…"

Howard blinked in surprise. He wasn't expecting that confession. "You kissed someone else?"

"I'm so sorry," Steve said, his voice breaking. "I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened. One minute, he was helping me with Tony and the next--! Please don't break up with me!" He surged forward, burying his face against Howard's neck.

"Break up? Steve, no!" Howard wrapped his arms around Steve and hugged. "Babe, relax. I'm not mad." He was a little surprised to realize that he wasn't lying. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," Steve protested.

"Yes, it is." Howard gently rubbed his back. "Listen, you didn't go to that club looking for a hookup, right?" Steve made a soft noise that Howard was going to take as an affirmative. "And you didn't initiate the kiss. It *was* just one kiss."

Steve nodded and clung to him more tightly.

"Look at me." When Steve pulled back, Howard wiped his tears away with his hand. "We're good. I'm not mad or jealous."

"Really?" Steve sniffled. "Why aren't you mad?"

He almost made a flippant comment, but stopped himself. Steve deserved a real answer. "Because I love you and I know you love me. Because you told me about it and didn't try to hide it. Because this sort of shit happens and I refuse to get pissed about anything less than a full on affair."

"I'd never do that to you." And Steve sounded so earnest that Howard wanted to laugh.

"If you do, I want video evidence, babe, because that is jackoff material. Speaking of which, did anyone managed to capture a photo of this kiss?" Howard laughed at the offended look on Steve's face. 

A moment later, Steve shook his head and smiled. "You're a perv." 

"I am." Howard wrapped an arm around Steve's waist and pulled him close. "Was he a better kisser than me?"

"No," Steve said, pressing a kiss to Howard's mouth. "It felt weird, actually. No mustache. And he was sort of pushy—he just shoved his tongue in my mouth."

"Sounds horrible." He nuzzled Steve's mouth.

"Worst of all, he wasn't you."

God, Howard loved him. "You are so sappy." He slid his across Steve's shirt. "And hot." 

Steve lowered his lashes, coyly. "I wore this shirt for you, because I know it's your favorite." 

Howard hummed softly. "It clings in all the right ways." He grabbed Steve's biceps so he could shift closer.

Steve cried out and jerked away.

"Oh, shit! Are you all right? Did I hurt you? And don’t say it's nothing! That was something."

"It's…" Steve placed a hand over his bicep, as if protecting it. "It's not a big deal. I just hurt myself."

"Let me see." He gestured for Steve to take off his shirt; he knew something was really wrong when Steve suddenly became reluctant. "Take off your shirt, Steve."

Steve sighed and pulled off his shirt. "Don't make a big deal out of this." There was a bandage sloppily wrapped around Steve's arm and it was spotted with blood.

Howard made a sound of distress and reached out to unwrap it. Steve started to move away until he glared. He removed the bandage and—fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! "Let me guess," he said, angrily. "Another art project went awry. That was the excuse last time, wasn't it? Did it bite you this time, too?"

"It's not a big deal." Steve covered the wound with his hand.

"It's not—" Howard rubbed his face. "You're… you're hurting yourself, Steve! You're cutting yourself and biting yourself. How the fuck is that not a big deal?"

Steve hunched his shoulders and turned slightly away from Howard. "It's not what you think."

He didn't know what the hell to think. "Then tell me what this is. Tell me." 

"I'm not cutting myself because I feel bad or because I'm depressed." Steve worried at his bottom lip. "I'm cutting because... because it feels good."

"It *feels* good." Howard shook his head in confusion.

"Yeah." Steve's face flushed. "I do it when I need a little extra push. You know, when I'm masturbating. Sometimes I need a little more, that's all."

"More." *That* was more? Jesus.

Steve shrugged. "I love what we do, Howard. You know I do. But sometimes—I try hard not to push your boundaries too much. But there are times when I really, really want more and feel like I can't ask you or that if I do, you'll just say no." 

Howard sat back, stunned by Steve's confession. "Are you saying this is my fault?"

"No! God, no!" Steve reached over and touched Howard's face. "Babe, I love you. And I don’t care that you don't like all the same things I do in bed. I've learned to adapt. This is one of the ways."

"What do you use?"

Steve fidgeted. "A razor. I sterilize it!"

"Fuck! Steve… goddamn it" He wanted to grab Steve and shake him. "You could really hurt yourself. You could cut too deep. You could get an infection."

"I'm careful," Steve whispered.

He leaned back against the headboard and fought down urge to be sick. This was his fault. He couldn't give Steve what he needed and now Steve was *cutting*. "Promise me you won't do it anymore."

"Howard…"

"Promise me or I'll tell your mother," he said.

Steve's eyes widened in shock and his mouth dropped open. "You wouldn't!"

"I would! I should!" God, he should call her op right now and tell her. "Promise me and I'll—"

"You'll what? You'll do things in bed that you don't want to do? Do you think that's what *I* want, Howard?" Steve's hands clenched into fists and he took a deep shuddery breath."

"No. I know that's not what you want." He took a deep breath of his own. "Look, there has to be something we can do together that will give you the pain you need and that I'll enjoy. We just haven't explored enough. I… I haven't been willing to explore enough." 

"I don't want to do anything to hurt you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or make our time in bed all about me." Steve cupped Howard's face and kissed him. 

"Trust me, I don't want that either." He quirked a grin at Steve, who grinned back. "But I don't want you to be unsatisfied, either."

"Oh, trust me, I'm not unsatisfied."

Except that Steve was. "God, I never thought I'd need to do research on sex."

Steve laughed. "I have some books you can read."

"Yeah? Good." He stroked Steve's hair. "You look as exhausted as I feel. How about I re-bandage your wound and we go to bed."

"Okay. But just so you know, I'm jumping your bones when we wake up tomorrow."

"I look forward to it," he said, and climbed out of bed to grab the first aid kit.


End file.
